If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
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[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Not my job 😂
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If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Autocorrect completely socks
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift