Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”