Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

It’s password awareness Friday.

Today I offer free consulting.

Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

good for her

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.