if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.