Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year