Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

Well. That’s not a good sign.

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]