If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
You Might Also Like
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!