If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
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before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.