@3sunzzz

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

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@mommy_cusses

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

@QueefTornado

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

@FeverFlave

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

@Mr_Kapowski

[farmers market]

Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?

Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?

Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so

Me: *leans in close* If I find out-

Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me

@Jerrypleasure

Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*

@sween

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

@Eyevenger

Biden: “Jiraiya is in a better pla…”

Obama: “I don’t wanna talk about it”

@dyldonot

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

@Mardigroan

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.