Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?
Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?
Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so
Me: *leans in close* If I find out-
Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me
Elon Musk: *launches car into space*
Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class
Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Biden: “Jiraiya is in a better pla…”
Obama: “I don’t wanna talk about it”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.