Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

I saw this ending much differently.

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.