Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection