Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat