If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
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Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.