If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
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my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
🤣
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.