If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
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Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
linkedin the good parts
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway