If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
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“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.