Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises