Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

Breaking news:

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

Not now. I’m deglazing.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*