Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

no exceptions

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

shazam but for random noises outside

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django