good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
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Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.