if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
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the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel