@jonnysun

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

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@mjkspeaks

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

@seandunn76

Me: Kensington, fetch me my robe.

K: You sold your robe and everything else you own so you could afford a butler.

Me: Hold me, Kensington.

@KeetPotato

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

@foxxy311

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

@shwebby3

•Woozy woman comes up•
“OMG I’m-I’m gonna faint!”

“Go ahead, knock yourself out”

@Rollmaninoz

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

@VikingJonesy

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

@Tmoney68

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.