@jonnysun

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

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@leifromloihi

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

@Gupton68

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

@Bob_Janke

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

@BromanConsul

“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him

@dreamthievin

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

@ParasiteHilton

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

@Writepop

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

@WorkingMom86

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

@RapeyRaperton

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.