If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
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Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
not for long
hackers play passwordle
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I hope this email finds you in a well
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Think I pulled my liver
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her