Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”