If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
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Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.