Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.