Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

Shower sex be like: