If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
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Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Inventor of sparkling water: Hear me out; water, but it hurts.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters