If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
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Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring