If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
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If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?