Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.