If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
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This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Milk Cube
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Do not levitate over flowers
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”