Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

pelicons

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.