Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

What flavor cupcake are these

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.