If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
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Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
stand with me against insufficient seating
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?