If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
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Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Gemma Correll
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
The Friday File.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.