Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.