If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Tapped in
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*