If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.