If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Yup.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Sending in my taxes
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Uh oh 👀
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.