If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
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*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Did…did a minotaur write this
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.