If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
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It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)