If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
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My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My brain is a bad influence on me
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Word!
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule