If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
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Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Well, my evening plans are ruined
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.