If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3