If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Good morning!
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net