If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
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[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*