If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
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It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)