If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
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3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?