Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
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Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
what are they serving at kfc then???
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*