if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
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DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My last name is Zilla.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in