if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
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Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂