If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
you stereotypes are all alike
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.