Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

Mummies are just super modest zombies

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.