If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!