If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
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if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.