If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
pain
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult