If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
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My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Meme Monday.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*