If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
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[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.