If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
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Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I basically called this earlier today
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.