Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

Skip intro

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.