If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas