If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
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This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Your secret is safeish with me
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Cool shirt 🙂
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re