Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what