If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
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paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
due date
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
lol
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.