If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
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Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*