May your day taste like creamy soup.
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Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people